There’s something slightly odd about the Apple Watch.
It’s not that the glorified rubber band holding it to my wrist doesn’t breathe.
It’s not that it needs to be recharged every day.
It’s not that the user interface is cramped enough to make me feel like I’ve got gigantic Homer Simpson hands (I am a tiny Asian man, you see).
We live in an age where people are more interested in what’s on their smartphones than they are making it across the road alive.
During peak hour, when there’s nowhere else to move, I’ve had to yell “LOOK UP!” at the imbeciles who seem happy to walk right into me as long as they keep staring down at their phones. The looks of surprise and indignation on their faces is a gift that keeps on giving. Maybe I should turn it into a photo project.
But I digress. The people at Apple have encouraged me to think of the Apple Watch as an “information triage” – a medical metaphor to suggest some of the data in your life is more important than others. The information that’s actually important, handily, only requires a glance towards the wrist; the time, the weather, stock movements, when the next train is arriving. With the time saved, I might actually be able to take a dump in the morning with nothing but my thoughts.
The Apple Watch will even prioritise calls and messages from important people like, say, your boss or your spouse, which you can conveniently dismiss during that important meeting with one of a dozen pre-selected responses such as “You got it” (to which I just know my wife would respond “WHO IS THIS?”).
The fitness monitor is another thing entirely. It’s like playing Call of Duty, collecting Achievement Medals every day by walking, standing, running, and bouncing up and down stairs.
“But I do martial arts,” I explain.
“No problem, the Apple Watch should be able to get through that kind of activity without a scratch,” beams the rep.
Uh, actually I was thinking of the damage it could do to other people. But fuck them, right?
If you accept everything you’re told, you’d believe there is too much information in the day to manage, and that the Apple Watch is an invaluable tool for managing all the tiny complications in your life.
From my perspective, it’s a tool for people who don’t know how to live their lives.
The things you own end up owning you.