Wednesday, 14 January 2015
When someone offers you the gift of food…
- Be gracious. Smile and say ‘thank you’, even if it looks disgusting. Their intentions are good and they didn’t have to offer it to you.
- Take a modest portion. Don’t be greedy.
- If you must refuse, tell them the problem is with you: you’re not feeling well, or you’ve already eaten, or you’re lactose intolerant (and if it’s a lie, be sure to maintain it).
- If you must be greedy, share an anecdote about how much you love it and shower your benefactor with appreciation so they’ll remember next time what a fan you are.
- Tell them it’s amazing, even if it’s revolting. Remember, their intentions are good and they didn’t have to offer it to you.
- If it is revolting, keep it to yourself and be thankful you only took a modest portion; and remember to exercise (3) in future.
- Take a giant portion.
- Take a tiny bite, then spit it out.
- Throw it in the bin.
- Declare to all and sundry that it’s revolting. You’re not Manu Feidel and this isn’t an episode of My Kitchen Rules.
- Upon realising you’ve done all of the above in the presence of the person who brought the food, proceed to shower them with a level of praise and gratitude that borders on obsequious.
The initial shock of meeting someone so lacking in social graces is a bit like accidentally deleting a photo you really like, which is what’s happening in this photo.
It’s the face I kept buried inside while I channelled my inner Dame Maggie Smith and told this charmless wonder she needn’t be embarrassed.